Three Faces of Eve AC
There are moments I truly wonder who I am and what the hell is going on with me. I can all but stand outside myself and watch with no ability to control my actions. There are times I'm a reasonably responsible adult getting work done at home and the office. Taking care of all the things that need to be done. Hell, with a little help from the alarm clock, I was up at 7am and got things going.
Then there is the 8 year old kid in me that has spent countless minutes/hours today staring at an orange dot wanting desperately to say something but having no clue on what to say. How to apologize further. Fearful of the reaction. More scared of what the purpose might be, where it would (or wouldn't) go. He'll bury his head in that pillow again tonight, probably shed a few more tears, and fade off to sleep kicking himself along the whole way.
And damn-it if I don't feel like such a girl sometimes. Tonight while shopping for dinner I had an overwhelming urge for chocolate. Extra dark chocolate. I craved it's comfort and gave in to it quickly. Now I just want to climb into bed, cuddle up and lay my head on the love of my life's chest and cry. To tell her how sorry I am for not being strong enough when I've needed to be. To apologize for allowing my selfishness to overrule my heart.
A rather wise woman recently reminded me that sometimes it is easier to ask for forgiveness that to have originally asked for permmission. OK, it doesn't quite apply, but the essence of the thought does... i think. Sadly, I owe a lot of apologies and frankly deserve little or no forgiveness.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-- Mark Twain
Note to Mark: You just want my ass out on the high seas so you can push me overboard because I haven't read your stinkin' books.
Posted by ac at October 13, 2003 10:39 PM