Ramblings of an Anonymous Coward

If Ignorance Is Bliss

i don't know where i heard it, came up with it, or what have you, but i do oddly enough remember when i started saying it -- my freshman year of high school. what is that?

if ignorance is bliss then i know too much already

i don't recall the context in which it was first said, but it has stuck with me for all these years and still seems to apply far too often.

i wrote about my dad having cancer a few days ago and have since found out it has spread beyond they area they knew about. chemotherapy is in his future. i guess that puts it into my future too -- indirectly for now -- directly if it is genetic. time will tell. now i am not a person that will talk your ear off unless you hit my topic of the moment, but strangely it seems like i am supposed to be talking about this but find myself not really having much to say. i don't tell people because i don't want the faux sympathy and genuine care makes me completely uneasy.

one of the things that has come up has been seeing him. the right thing to do is to go and spend as much time as you can with them, but i wonder about that sometimes. see, when my grandmother was ill i selfishly didn't go out to see her. first off, she had altzheimers (sp?) and she wasn't going to remember anyway. the main and selfish reason was i much preferred to remember her how she was -- a bright vibrant woman. to see her in any other state would have shattered that image forever. and the self-inflicted ignorance has worked. i know what the disease does, but my memories of her remain pure. ignorance is in fact bliss at times.

i've seen my father age. it is a sad thing to see. i do remember him in a more healthy condition, but his image is tainted. i've seen him getting older and weaker. and it only seems like it will get worse. in fact i know too much already and question how much more i really want to know.

knowing is such a double edged sword and is coupled with the fact that it can not be undone. the best you can hope for is learning what you know is wrong -- as if that is really any better.

Posted by ac at September 8, 2005 05:26 PM