i'll call him steve, could be anyone
i've struggled with what to write, if anything, regarding the loss of a teammate recently. part of me wants to write something that sounds all heartfelt and wonderful. another part wants to ramble on aimlessly just to get things out.
a fellow teammate summed it up pretty well this week when in the locker room he said something like "i'm really pissed off at him. there are a room full of guys that would have stood up for him without question. it just sucks."
steve went missing one week. he was in his 20's and frankly nobody gave it much thought. we all have lives outside of hockey and to miss one game is really not so much a big deal. a date perhaps. hung over maybe. any number of reasonable conclusions could be found and you wouldn't even have to search very far.
however, he missed another week, then another. people tried contacting his family. he was home once but couldn't come to the phone. more time passed any many of us became concerned. he was "one of the guys" -- a bright spot in the locker room -- cheery, joking, and simply keeping things light and fun.
then he really disappeared. packed up his stuff, didn't tell anyone where he was going. his parents had no idea. nor did his friends. and neither did anybody on the team. no ideas for why. no ideas for where. more time simply passed.
prior to this season started, many of us checked the rink's schedule only to be shocked with a large image of steve and the words "in memory". it said more, but who could really read any more than that. all the jokes about hoping he'd grabbed clean underwear in case he was found injured on the side of the road became less funny. ok, they weren't particularly funny to begin with, but what else can you do but try and laugh it off.
apparently steve took a trip to vegas and ended up in a motel in indiana where he sent a text message to his mother hours before ending his life.
what disturbs me the most i think, is that he was such a well liked and upbeat guy. always laughing and joking. he seemed pretty happy with life.
i don't know. maybe something set him off into a fast and tragic downward spiral. it may sound weird, but i hope that was the case. to think there so much despair bubbling under the surface and i didn't notice that troubles me. maybe there is a little guilt? a highschool friend killed himself days after a party where a few of us saw him sulking. we did little more than ask if he was ok and when he said "yeah", we left it at that. maybe i'm afraid i missed some sign (again) and don't have the excuse of being young.
these are my thoughts of his passing. i call him steve, but he could be anyone.
Posted by ac at April 9, 2007 03:22 PM