i always enjoyed the word association meme. seems apropo to enjoy a round...
it's been a while long time, since i've posted anything. oddly, almost every other day or so i have something i think i should possibly post, and then i get totally distracted and either forget, decide it isn't as worthy now that i've delayed, or a variety of other ... ummm... excuses. over 200 saved links in my bloglines. none posted here. if i weren't so totally unmotivated, i'd tie in a bookmarking app to a linkblog here where i could leave a pithy one or two line commentary. shakes fist damn you motivation, where have you gone? before i ramble on, i will share a link of strange statues throughout the world.
that all said, on to what i wanted to write about -- i was asked recently whether i'd ever considered that i may be bipolar.
when asked face to face, my first reaction is to say no. and really, who wants the stigman of mental disorder. the real answer, however, is every day. ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, so allow me to change that to often. do i think i am? no, i really don't... but the honest truth is i don't think i'd tell anyone if i thought i was.
so there is no confusion, go to biopolarhelp.org to learn facts about the disorder rather than the public perception.
for grins, lets look at the symtoms according to the all important dsm:
mania
(1) inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
sorry, i tend to be quite the opposite i think. i have areas of expertise were i can be a bit full of myself sometimes, but generally as a person... i'm nothing special.
(2) decreased need for sleep (he or she may feel rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
umm. check, i suppose. i fluctuate quite a bit, but at the same time often i'll get 3 hours, be wide awake, but can't pull myself out of bed for the life of me.
(3) He or she may be more talkative than usual or feel pressure to keep talking
that is almost funny. i tend to only talk when i'm spoken to or have an opinion on the subject being discussed. i've certainly felt like i need to keep talking, but only when i'm trying to make a point and whomever i'm talking to doesn't seem to get it.
(4) There may be a flight of ideas or a feeling that that their thoughts are racing.
check. i've certainly been overwhelmed with waves of thoughts often related but sometimes totally unrelated. doesn't everyone? those who say no probably don't hear voices in their head either. :)
(5) They may exhibit distractibility (their attention may be too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
check. i can certainly be distracted by the proverbial shiny object. i'm blogging right now aren't i?!? *snicker*
(6) They may have an increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or they may have psychomotor agitation
i've always leaned towards goal-directed activity probaby because it is easier to see the point in doing it. seriously. dunno wtf psychomotor agitation is... sounds like a setting on a washing machine.
(7) Another sign is excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences, like engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments.
does playing world of warcraft count? but wait, i don't play that as much anymore so i must be improving. regardless... guilty of having gone down several of those paths at one point or another. excessively? i like to think not.
depression
(1) being in a depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
i've certainly had a string of days like this. today... i'm simply mellow.
(2) He or she may have a markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities
check. in fact i've discovered that a lot of things don't hold the same levels of pleasure they have in the past. some have even become frustrating.
(3) There may be significant weight loss when not dieting or even weight gain or a decrease or increase in appetite .
a few years back i lost 20lbs in about 10 days (gained it all back since). otherwise, weight has been pretty steady... fluctuating within a 5 pound range. though i really should lose about 30lbs.
(4) The may have Insomnia or Hypersomnia (sleeping too much)
sometimes.
(5) They may exhibit psychomotor agitation or retardation
despite looking it up, i really don't understand what psychomotor agitation means.
(6) He or she may suffer from fatigue or loss of energy
g*d yes. not so much physical fatigue, but mental. days like today, i have almost zero motivation despite having things that really, really need to be done. which of course snowballs into more stress and being overwhelmed.
(7) There may be feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional)
i think my guilt is more often than not appropriate. when you have done bad things to good people you're gonna feel guilty about it. and yeah, i have to remind myself that i still have some value from time to time. well, value beyond being a financial source.
(8) There may be a diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
me? indecisive? lol. hmmm, i'm not sure. let me think about that and get back to you. what do you think? can i use a life line? i'm only indecisive when i can't decide, otherwise i have very firm opinions. :) yeah, ok.
i worked with a person once that made an observation about me that sticks with me to this day. we'd debate a variety of things, mostly work related but occassionally not. regardless, one time i got fed up and said something like -- i really don't want to argue with you about this -- to which they responded, "i know you don't want to argue, you want to be right". anyway...
(9) They may have recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or an actual suicide attempt, or they may have a specific plan for committing suicide.
i won't lie. yes. at one time i even considered starting a blog to get some of the thoughts out of my head. but i didn't. i didn't want to be reminded should i forget. i didn't want to give anyone else ideas. i didn't want anyone to freak out and somehow track me down and sick the funny farm on me.
despite how many yes answers... seriously, hasn't everyone exhibited a number of these symptoms? if not, maybe i should skip over the therapy stage and go get some drugs from a psychiatrist. i could put them into little yellow boxes with smily faces on them. they'd be my happy pills. except monday, it would be marked with a frowny.
really. i'm alright. and so am i.