in a light hearted and brief conversation i said that "admitting your problem is the first step to recovery" to which the retort was that i should keep that in mind for myself. i acknowledge my denial. it doesn't help.
as silly as it may seem, the idea of chemical dependency still bothers me. i began getting over the concept a bit some years back, but my trip back home reinforced how i don't want to be some fucked up old person that has to pop a dozen pills a day to get along. i'm not talking antibiotics, blood pressure medicine and generally things that are compensating for long & short term physical issues. i'm talking anti-anxiety, anti-depression, ..... anti-"feel how you feel" shit. or not feel shit. and before anyone gives me the "those are correcting chemical imbalances just like diabetes" and so forth argument let me state clearly --- i get that. i really do.
see, the difference is that these things are you (spouse, doctor, society) telling me that how i feel is wrong. i'm anhedonic enough at times, for g*d sake let me have what's left.
sure, there is therapy. where you get to discuss [insert hands making the double-quote motion] "feelings". so instead of meds we can substitute in sessions of justifying how one feels in the name of "understanding'. and lets be real, it becomes a stupid game. i tell you want you want to hear, you tell me what the book says about that or try and make me come to the same conclusions independently... with your "guidance".
and can we admit that perhaps i don't want to share how i feel out of concern of the judgements, perceptions, and consequences that can will arise?
but i'm too tired to think about that now. so like the thousand days before, i just move along being what is left of me.
i'm slightly embarassed to admit it, but i found myself flipping through O, oprah's magazine. there was a quiz and i took it.
Explorer: 19 Builder: 17 Negotiator: 21 Director: 19
interestingly enough, my score from online was different than when i took it the other day, but only slightly. i guess i got a little more extreme in my answers. having read what this all supposedly means, my "primary" type seems a bit wrong in some fundamental way. *shrug* i do; however, see parts of me in each of the primary and secondary types.
now i just have to see how the wife scores and see how we match up. lol.