And then there were none
i really don't know what to write, but just felt the need to do so. to document the moment i suppose. this morning i was awoken with the news that my mother passed away.
after my dad died earlier this year, i expected that either my mother would go quickly or that she'd live for many years to come making life as difficult as possible along the way, albeit not on purpose. she managed to do a little of both.
from a purely selfish perspective (which is probably my default view on life most often), she couldn't have picked a worse time to go. work is stressful and given the holiday schedule there is less time to do more work. i was looking forward to this thanksgiving day holiday as an opportunity to just chill out and spend a little time thinking about the direction of my life and that of my family. fitting don't you think? but honestly not planned that way.
i wasn't totally surprised about the news. her health was failing and she was making little to no progress coming to grips with the loss of my dad. there were moments it seemed like she was moving forward, but she would always slip back. it quickly got to the point that i didn't want to watch. there was nothing i could realistically do and watching certainly wasn't going to make her life better nor mine. i left myself as being there for emergencies -- and i was -- but little else since there was (logically to me) no point. throw that into my cognitive dissonance bucket if you will.
as with so many events, i have observed a number of ironies coming from all of this. or coincidences should one take offense to my use of the work irony.
- just last night on the drive home from work i spoke with a friend back east. she asked how my mother was and i said "i really don't know". we had that awkward laugh, but i did let her know that the wife had talked to her somewhat recently and all seemed [relatively] well.
- in the same conversation i was asked when i might come back out to the east coast. i quipped "after my mother dies, to handle the funeral" which at the time was really meant to say -- have no immediate plans to and it probably won't be soon.
- my wife is far more upset than i am. actually, i'm partly relieved; however, not really ready to deal with it. i think a big reason she is more upset is that it adds emphasis to the realities of mortality and the expectation that one day her parents, too, will pass. i shudder to even think about that.
well there ya have it... some of my thoughts just 4 hours after being notified. i'm the same old selfish bastard, annoyed that my mother didn't have the decency to schedule her death to be less disruptive in my life. seriously, couldn't she have waited until the new year? i suppose i can take solace in the fact we haven't bought all her presents yet. hmmm.... nope, doesn't help.
Posted by ac at November 21, 2007 12:59 PM