Ramblings of an Anonymous Coward

Dear Mom

dear mom,

since there is no forwarding address in which to send this, i'm putting this here. if there is a g*d and s/he is all knowing and powerful, they can send you the link through whatever technology they are using in the afterlife these days. it could be twitter for all i know. i'd have said myspace, but that seems much more like something you'd find in hell. not that you would have know that since technology pretty much stopped for you after the touch-tone phone and the remote controlled television. i considered saying the combustion engine and local mail delivery, but now isn't the time to pick on you about your age.

please excuse some of the forthcoming slang, but i'll also assume if you get this there will also be an interpreter that can do any necessary translation for you. maybe something like that device you clip on in the movie "the last starfighter". not that you would recognize that movie either.

i digress as usual so let me refocus.

wtf! seriously. you've left a mess and at a terrible time. a bigger one than i ever caused you to clean up as a child, but i'm not comparing. just kvetching. and i know you know a little something about that. but i forgive you.

in fact, you're pardoned. forgiven of all the things you've done. at least by me. i can do this with a clear mind because aside from being faced with whatever challenges you've left behind that i'm not aware of -- and i do suspect i'll bump into a few of them -- you can create no new ones. you can exist in the afterlife and be caring, well intentioned, full of good thoughts and hopes, but the barrier of death will keep that from turning into yet another frustration. an emotional firewall of sorts.

well, that is assuming that ghosts, spirits, and all that stuff which go bump in the night don't actually exist. i figure if anybody can come back and give me a kick in the shorts, it will be you. but, i'll take my chances.

so........ it took you just under 30 years, but you got what you wanted. or at least what you always said you wanted. you're dead. so, how's that work'n for ya?

it reminds me of the adage i spew all too often -- be careful what you ask for, you might get it.

signed,


your loving son

for anyone reading this that might think the message is harsh... trust me. my mother gets it. i can hear her screaming my first name. my full first name in that unique tone of hers. she gets it and i know she appreciates it. because it's me and she's part to blame for that. for me. for the way i am.

And then there were none

i really don't know what to write, but just felt the need to do so. to document the moment i suppose. this morning i was awoken with the news that my mother passed away.

after my dad died earlier this year, i expected that either my mother would go quickly or that she'd live for many years to come making life as difficult as possible along the way, albeit not on purpose. she managed to do a little of both.

from a purely selfish perspective (which is probably my default view on life most often), she couldn't have picked a worse time to go. work is stressful and given the holiday schedule there is less time to do more work. i was looking forward to this thanksgiving day holiday as an opportunity to just chill out and spend a little time thinking about the direction of my life and that of my family. fitting don't you think? but honestly not planned that way.

i wasn't totally surprised about the news. her health was failing and she was making little to no progress coming to grips with the loss of my dad. there were moments it seemed like she was moving forward, but she would always slip back. it quickly got to the point that i didn't want to watch. there was nothing i could realistically do and watching certainly wasn't going to make her life better nor mine. i left myself as being there for emergencies -- and i was -- but little else since there was (logically to me) no point. throw that into my cognitive dissonance bucket if you will.

as with so many events, i have observed a number of ironies coming from all of this. or coincidences should one take offense to my use of the work irony.

• just last night on the drive home from work i spoke with a friend back east. she asked how my mother was and i said "i really don't know". we had that awkward laugh, but i did let her know that the wife had talked to her somewhat recently and all seemed [relatively] well.
• in the same conversation i was asked when i might come back out to the east coast. i quipped "after my mother dies, to handle the funeral" which at the time was really meant to say -- have no immediate plans to and it probably won't be soon.
• my wife is far more upset than i am. actually, i'm partly relieved; however, not really ready to deal with it. i think a big reason she is more upset is that it adds emphasis to the realities of mortality and the expectation that one day her parents, too, will pass. i shudder to even think about that.

well there ya have it... some of my thoughts just 4 hours after being notified. i'm the same old selfish bastard, annoyed that my mother didn't have the decency to schedule her death to be less disruptive in my life. seriously, couldn't she have waited until the new year? i suppose i can take solace in the fact we haven't bought all her presents yet. hmmm.... nope, doesn't help.