Ramblings of an Anonymous Coward

Pooh's Den?

with the river frozen over, have our furry friends given up on poohsticks?

Weather or Not

well, it's all hallows eve that is for sure. how can i tell? because of people in costumes? nah, i'm in the bay area, that isn't terribly out of the ordinary. the calendar? yeah, well that does help, but no, it is because of the rain. it is now raining and halloween seems to mark the beginning of the "rainy season" here in northern california. it can't be all sunshine now can it?

this weeks photofriday challenge was night. seeing as i'm under the weather, in more ways that one, i'm going to use a picture i took about a week ago -- headlights.

in the category of boy would i liked to have seen that -- apparently a group of catholic school girls finally got fed up with the local perv and took matters into their own ... umm ... hands.

"The girls came and started kicking him and punching him, so I wasn't going to stop them," neighbor Robert Lemons told The Philadelphia Inquirer.

can't you just picture a bunch of uniformed catholic school girls chasing some scruffy fellow wearing nothing but a trenchcoat? the thought still make me chuckle. and then mr. lemon's quote... no robert, i wouldn't have stopped them either. i, too, would have been bent over laughing my ass off.

lastly before i go, it seems the brits have their own idea of where to take the joe millionaire type shows with There's Something About Miriam. it will certainly give the contestants a bit more than they might have expected.

Photo Friday's Image: Night

Disaster Relief Fund

despite the whole norcal .vs. socal rivalry thing, a lot of nice people are having their lives devastated by the wildfires. homes have been (are being) destroyed and people have lost everything they have, including their lives. to make matters worse, the american red cross disaster relief fund is nearly empty.

below is a direct link to the arc online donation form. Please try to give something, even if it's only a dollar or two. every little bit helps.

Donate To The Disaster Relief Fund

Theme Thursday: Scary

this week's theme thursday is apropro for all hallows eve. the idea was What scares you? Heights? Dogs? Spiders? Clowns? after reading the topic, i had a few ideas of what i might be able to do ranging from the traditional stuff to downright trying to creep people out. after seeing a number of the entries, i decided to do something that allowed for a bit more individual interpretation.

Words of Others

i've always enjoyed the words of others, especially when those words speak to me or express things i've wanted to express. i stumbled across some writings by kat which struck a chord with me. a recent post regarding solar flares also reminded me just how much i want to see the aurora borealis. this is on my list of things to do before i die, but i digress...

in loss for words she says she doesn't know what they are or what they want. all i could do is sit, read, re-read, and shake my head affirmatively. i know exactly how that feels. substitute in the word feelings for words, and so much of it still applies.

then there is private death and fear, both of which have some common parts which caught my eye. from private death...

I'm in love with a daydream that is not meant to be
I can not bring myself to believe I am worthy
I can not bring myself to believe it will happen

i fear dear kat i'm going to end up stealing some of these words, forging them more into what i've been wanting to say for a while. fear was a bit longer, and had many thoughts i could relate to in full or in part...

But I am afraid of love itself
...
Now I fear I've lost him
I fear he has come and gone
He tired of waiting for me
To figure out who I am, what I want
...
I'm in love with the idea of love
An idea I fear I am not worthy

swap the he's and him for she's and her, and i can say i have those very feelings. it was a bright spot to have run across those meanderings.

Nuthin' But A Dreamer

it has been a good 30 hours and i still feel like i'm being kicked repeatedly in the stomach. thoughts continue to flit through my mind, ones to the casual observer would be seemingly random and perhaps simply bizarre.

man! you wuz a contenda
neva
no, you wuz dare. ya had 'er
i was nuthin'. nuthin' but a dreamer

True Match Test Results

so i get this message from emode.com today... i guess they realize i'm a sucker for taking tests or they read my about page (#5) -- it's time to find out more about myself, my partner, and i suppose life in general.

sometimes these tests make me feel particularly transparent. the questions seem rather nonsensical and then boom the results hit pretty close to home. i've been tempted to flat out lie, but have a weird concern that it will give me the same results and call me a liar while it's at it. anyway, the test results again hit close to home.

i'm just going to cut and paste alot of the crap results here and will add my comments (if any) in green.

What defines your personality?
You're perceptive, kind and analytical. You don't like to think of things on just a surface level, and you can be unusually introspective. You can be a little self-critical at times, but you're a thoughtful, gentle spirit.

What will get you noticed?
One of the things women are likely to notice first about you is that you tend to be hyper-aware of what can happen in a given situation, and you prepare yourself for all the different outcomes.

Do women like your type?
4% love your type
25% like your type
62% ok with your type
9% don't like your type


What do women find most intriguing about you?
The research indicates that women are most drawn to your willingness to explore and take risks.
my willingness to take risks? and i wonder why i question these sort of tests?!?

What is your ideal partner's personality type?
Your ideal match is charming, good with people and handles stressful situations with grace. She's filled with a friendly, positive energy and secretly might wonder why she's not famous yet.
is there any other type? why didn't they just tack on beautiful and intelligent and be done with it.

How rare is this ideal woman?
Of the personality characteristics we measured, and relative to other women, your ideal match's most unique trait is that she is unusually dependable and confident.
so it's confirmed, i prefer unusual women.

Do opposites attract?
The quality that you share most strongly with your ideal partner is your tendency to seek out situations that induce a feeling of safety or calm, versus those that feel more adventurous and exhilarating. You're most compatible with someone who is extremely similar to you in terms of where you lie on the continuum between safety-seeking and risk-taking.

The difference between you and your ideal partner that stands out the most is your tendency toward being relaxed versus feeling vigilant. You want to find someone who is moderately different from you in terms of where you lie on the continuum between relaxed and vigilant.

Flying Disks

An amusing quote I read this morning...

The other day, I was wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they got closer.
Then it hit me.

I'll Write Another Day

today was filled with visions, several overwhelmingly pleasant, but then reality struck me down. fuck guilt! reality be damned! must sleep.

Nothing Ventured

i did venture, too much gained
knowledge found, myself to blame
learned so much, can't hold me back
future, time, continuous, black

Just Breathe

based on a posting by jodi some time back, i finally rented and watched the movie secretary. it was not exactly what i was expecting, but i can see her point. ironically, i watched this movie immediately after watching the television show "the practice".

i found out today that i'm tied for first in this week's football pool. a miami win and a total of 55 points will guarantee me the pot. i wish i could remember what i used to make the picks this week -- helmet color or who had the heaviest middle linebacker. oh well... go fins!

picked up via ernie, this was one of the more amusing ebay auctions. you have to read it all to get the full effect.

Stolen from the Random Question of the Day

On this day in 1858 President Theodore Roosevelt was born. The teddy bear was created in honor of him. Do you have a favorite teddy, or stuffed animal. Please share.

Yes, indeed I do. In fact, I still have mine (pictured below) from when I was very, very young. In one of my less creative moments, I named the bear "Teddy".

I'm So Vain

i finally managed to watch matrix reloaded last night, i've had it sitting here for nearly 2 weeks. despite the hype, i wasn't left disappointed and will be looking forward to the sequel due out next month. based on the ending, it looks like it will be a lot more action and less thought provoking, but we could end up surprised.

so there is this scene were merovingian has taken neo to get the keymaker and on the way out is confronted by persephone. of all things, a carly simon tune jumped in my head after she said, "she wasn't kissing your face, my love." in reference to his betrayal. why this scene suddenly made me think, even if just for a moment, that a blog post i had read earlier had anything to do about me is unknown. i have never thought of myself as being vain before. and reading that, my head now conjurs up the beavis and butthead voices going "heh. heh-heh. he said vein. heh-heh. heh.". oh, never mind!

and with that said, it reminds me that i have never done a sexy saturday meme. i won't bother trying to understand why and simply do one this week.

Sexy Saturday - Week 34
What's the most romantic thing a partner has ever done for you?

it was early sunday morning, i reluctantly headed back to my hotel. i remember the door closing behind me, taking the elevator down and reading the inspector's log as it went, walking through the lobby being sure to not turn and look back at the camera in case i was being watched as i hoped i was. despite being summer, the night's air was cool on my face as i walked block after block. my pace would quicken when i felt a tear pop out and slow when i needed to breathe.

eventually i made it back to my room and the door closed behind me. i sat on the edge of the bed for what felt like an eternity, tears rolling down my cheeks, staring at the phone on the nightstand. if there were an ounce of energy in my body, it was willing that phone to ring.

i could all but see the sound waves coming at me as the first tone flew out of that phone. i can hardly recall the conversation, but the knock on the door still echoes in my head as does the vision of seeing her standing there, the absolutely most beautiful woman in the world. i held her until sunrise, wishing the moment would never end, but time was unwilling to stand still.

her coming to me that night, when i needed her most of all. it goes beyond words.

What's Up Doc

so when your therapist says they don't believe they can be of any further help, does that mean you're fixed or irreparably broken? inquiring minds want to know.

yeah, ok, i know i'm broken... but it does make me wonder. Richard Feynman once said "Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it. and while much funnier when applied to sex, i think the same could be said about therapy. so what did i get out of it aside from a bill? nothing but a bunch of theories on why life as i know it is so fucked up.

despite my age, i'm experiencing differentiation... the terrible two's so to speak. mmmm-k. i kinda thought i did that years ago, but hey, what do i know? clearly nothing. according to far too many people (that means more than zero), i have no idea how i feel. others seem to, but nooooooo not me. i have not even the slightest clue. now don't get me wrong, at the moment it all sounded pretty reasonable, but by that time i was kinda hoping for a straight-jacket and some strong medication.

my problem is simple: once my eyes are opened, I can never go back.

In A Snap

for some unknown reason, i have become interested in participating in various photo memes. i'll try and not embarrass myself.

Theme Thursday

October 23, 2003 - Picture Yourself - In collaboration with Christine of Picture Yourself, this week's theme is you! Holding your camera at arm's length, take a picture of yourself, you and a friend, you and a family member, or you and whatever.

ok, so here i am.... behind the shower door.

Photo Friday
This week's challenge: 'Power'.

Requiem of Heart

speaking from tongue
a simpleton who obviously
would rather be an emasculated,
infantile complainee, i released into
this world feelings, wants, desire
fingers speaking through heart
selfishly tearing lives asunder
out of control.
fingers. hands.
all yearning for your touch
mouth. lips.
longing for your kiss
mind numb
having pushed you away
heart stares paralyzed, still wanting

heart.
my heart.
swelling at the thought of you
unwilling to beat freely
frozen in this dream
mind.
my mind.
tormented by thoughts
trapped by things done long ago
grieving for those to come
lips.
my lips
eagerly waiting to be kissed
not by anyone
just you

i lay alone
tis time to sleep
words from heart still do seep
eyes water and shed a tear
lips quiet without you here
mind trembles
hands shake
without you
no need to wake

Swerve

this mountain road, it twists and winds
with solitude to unknot the mind
darting between rock and cliff
thoughts abound, they shout what if
dream so hard, go to the light
t'would ease the pain, swerve left swerve right

Don't Think

completely unmotivated today. sleeping isn't working. migraines flaring again. sadly, i have an urge (nay, a need) to post today. sad, but true.

Word Association, Week 37

1. Country:: Roads by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
2. G:: Wiz!
3. Offer:: Rejected!
4. Connection:: Network
5. Quest:: In Search of the Holy Grail
6. Lighthouse:: Cape Hatteras
7. Sycamore:: tree
8. Inhumane:: treatment
9. Sneer:: disgust
10. Weapon:: deadly

A really interesting meme is Mo(n)saic. I'm going to try it next week!

Can We, Can We

after a rather rough outing of hockey -- a nasty 12-3 loss to a team we damn well should have beaten, i'm faced with the dilemma. to blow up marshmellows or not. with twelve hours left, how could i say no? for no reason at all, i share with you the proof.

pictures go left to right, top to bottom. now take a quick peek, roll your eyes and move on already.

i wish I could tell you they were good, but ... well, i think i'm a bit beyond having quite that much sugar per bite. should give me enough energy to make it through the movie tonight. not sure i needed it, i'm still rather amped from the game tonight. not a good thing since i'll be crashed in the morning for sure.

Understand Me

it should not be so shocking
at least not to you
but the mere idea tickles my tongue
sticks in my mind
and intrigues me beyond my ability to rationalize or resist
i love you
every morning i want to awaken in your arms
comforted by your oddness
seduced by your knowledge of me
and my ways
to care for you and stroke your hair
dress your scars as they are my own
watching your eyes slowly close at night
and open again in the morn.

24 Hours

no silly, not the show. in fact it has been nearly a week since i watched any broadcast television aside from news or sports. i've even escaped the escape of watching much in the way of movies. i saw "willard" and "wrong turn" both of which were disappointing. i still have "the matrix reloaded" sitting here and i plan on watching that tomorrow night. tonight i'm going to watch thirteen conversations about one thing. if it's good, i'll let ya know.

so time is closing in... having peace and space has been very nice. i'd have upgraded that to damn nice if i could have avoided a few phone calls. it really is so much easier to deal with one's inner demons when there is nobody around to stoke the fires. i had hoped for more this past week, but i've taken what i've gotten and given what i could -- that will have to be enough for now.

and have i mentioned ... i'm starting to feel old. if you played video games in the 70's and 80's, read this and join me in a big sigh. i can kick as much ass in quake or diablo as the next guy -- yeah, you kids too -- but these older games did have some elegance about them.

and as i write this, i hear shouted from below -- out of the mouth of a headstrong young lady, all of 10 years old -- different channels have different levels of volume!!!!!. and so i must go.

Meme²

you may have noticed that i've been trying to keep meme's grouped together in a single post. i got this idea from another blog, so does that make it a meme meme? so with my true feelings securely duct taped inside feel free to roll your eyes at my responses to this friday's memes -- a few new ones this time too!

Friday Five

1. Name five things in your refrigerator.
   milk, orange juice, cheese, sandwich meat, and some pico de gallo
   
   
2. Name five things in your freezer.
   parfait, ice cream, peas & carrots, corn, and various microwave meals
   
   
3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.
   dish washing liquid, cascade, 409, a couple scrubbers, and spare rags
   
   
4. Name five things around your computer.
   many CDs, cup of pens, notebooks, books, a red glass heart
   
   
5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.
   i have no medicine cabinet! In the area where one would be you would find: toothbrushes, toothpaste, hand soap, a brush, a few binders
   
   

PPF: Past, Present, Future
PAST: Mickey Mouse, rotary, cordless... what kind of phone did you have in your house, growing up?
just your run of the mill push-button telephone.

PRESENT: Describe your current relationship with mobile phone technology.
it's a love/hate relationship. it's my fault since i'm the one pushing the buttons. they are finally becoming more capable which is a good thing!

FUTURE: What do you suppose is next? Implanted cellular technology? Videophones?
more features. integrated GPS as well as more features to make it less of a phone and more of a communications device.

Weekly Wrap-Up: Saving Your Life

1. Describe how much you agree or disagree with the idea that journals and blogs are a way to "save" your life?
   i have a rather mixed opinion on that one as writing and visiting journals/blogs has provided me with the extremes. i'm rather new to writing this way on a regular basis, so i'll have to leave my thought on the matter right there.
   
   
2. How often you you reference other blog entries you've written? How often do you link to those blog entries as documentation of your history? How often do you ping (if your blogging software has that capability) your own entries?
   i reference other blogs when i feel it's appropriate and really never do so to document my history. i have never pinged (or trackbacked) another blog but probably will someday once i understand the advantages of doing so.
   
   
3. How many entries does your blog have? What are the top two topics you most frequently write about? The bottom two?
   i'm a bit shy of 200 right now. i'd say the top two are my feelings and doing memes. the bottom would consist of commenting about other's blogs.
   
   
4. Have you ever rebooted your blog to erase your previous online life? If so, why? If not, under what circumstances would you ever consider it?
   nope. trying to erase the past is a waste of time. heck, i've found usenet postings i made back in the 80's. if i were to take it off-line, it wouldn't be because i wanted (or expected) to erase anything.
   
   
5. 5. Share a blog that you best feels "saves" someone's life? Why did you pick it?
   I'll have to go with I Must, which ironically is no longer updated. she has sadly moved on elsewhere. i picked her old site because i particularly liked her next to last post. i enjoy her writing style and stories that are shared. some have made me laugh aloud, others have yanked a few tears, and all come straight from the heart.
   
   

Photo Friday
This week's challenge: 'Body'.
i've resisted using the photo/image i used for theme thursday yesterday since it was a body part too.

We Interrupt This Program

ok, just a few hours into the day and it already sucks and frankly, i'm not sure that i really give a flying fuck. i nominate today as National You Can Go To Hell, I'll See You Then Day. how's that?

to the person that decided to email me asking personal questions... ok, i bite. i'll answer some of them. keep in mind that "none of your fucking business" is an answer and you'll just have to live with it. and with that said... anyone else have any questions?!? seriously... throw them out there. i'll answer 'em... just don't ask anything you don't want an honest answer for.

here is today's random daily question to start things off -- The Phone: Do you use your phone a lot? Do you make lots of long distance calls? What type of long distance service do you carry and why?
i use the phone more than i care to, but i wouldn't characterize it as a lot. most of my calls are intra-lata, so technically they are not long distance. the last three long distance calls i made were to virginia, nevada, and new york. in that order and over several months. for long distance i use pacbell or whatever they call themselves today. they also do my local, mobile, and dsl service which when bundled is a reasonable deal. that explains the why!

Thursday Threesome
Onesome: MT-- So, are you running Moveable Type? ...and have you had to deal with comment spam? If so, Jay Allen's MT-Blacklist Plugin is one cure ....and did you know T-3 regular Shawn has written a scripting hack to allow it to work with the comment notifier script? Ah, the geekiness of it all...
yes, i run moveable type. no, i have not had to deal with comment spam. i'm very aware of jay allen's plug-in and have recommended it to a few people which have asked about comment spam.

Twosome: Black-- Hey, can you do "basic black"? ...or does your wardrobe consist of everything but black? Inquiring minds want a look into that closet!
No. I rarely wear black, but do periodically wear a rather dark blue.

Threesome: List-- Are you a "List Person", one of those people who cannot make it through the day with out a to-do list? ...or maybe "listfull', with yellow sticky notes all about you? ...or are you "listless" and wandering about randomly getting things accomplished?
for me it really depends on what is going on. i do keep a "todo list" and use it when i can't focus on a small number of projects. the positive of a list is that it makes me far more accomplished at the end of the day when i get a lot of small tasks done. the negative is that it makes me feel like i haven't done anything when my time gets sunk into things that are not on the list.

Theme Thursday

October 16, 2003 - Windows - Of course there's always the traditional 'window' that you see everyday, but there are other types of windows as well. When you look through your window, what do you see? And what other types of windows can you find?

It is supposed to be a photo... i've decided to mix in a little photoshop work -- more of a window into my mind concept.

Interview With God

ok, you know who you are that forwarded this to me. i would have never expected such a thing to come from you nor would i have expected you to forward it to me of all people. i'm quite certain that you have no idea how well timed it was or how some of it would be interpreted by me. thank you.

if you like nice pictures and inspirational thoughts from time to time, take a minute or two and watch/read An Interview With God. Despite the name, it isn't particularly religious.

I've Just Gotta Say

I just feel like I have alot of things to say today, but everytime I start to write them down, it comes out as a short sentence or two. Rather than spend even more time "blogging", I'm going to just jot some down here and perhaps sometime later I'll expand on them. Or not.

Kids that don't take school seriously are really beginning to piss me off. I don't think they necessarily have to be anal retentive and be shot if they don't get straight A's, but they should damn well hang their heads in shame when F's pop up, otherwise they'll become the morons they like to complain about. School seems like a pain in the ass now, but you're likely to look back years from now and realize it wasn't as bad as you made it out to be.

Ducky, I know you wouldn't be reading this -- in fact I hope you aren't reading my blog, but that's another post all together..... but keep up the good work. I am so proud of you! Yes, you can be the first woman president of the US. You can go to Harvard and eventually become a judge. Yep, yep, yep!

Chilly: the advice I gave this morning is sound... even if I don't always follow it. Had I taken it myself, I wouldn't be here to share it with you now. Whether that is a good thing or not is still to be seen.

To the person playing that Faith Hill CD... yes, she in fact has a lovely voice, but if I have to hear "This kiss, this kiss one more time I think I'm going to scream. The centrifugal motion she sings of will be me swinging that boom box in preparation to launch it out the window.
Update: the music has changed -- soundtrack to Moulin Rouge. Hopefully it will change again after a play or two.

I wonder if my confessions will ever appear? I have to disagree with the service somewhat... it helps to let it out, but to know it was read still makes a world of difference. I've been very tempted to write some of them up here. I may still do that.

Sorry, but I'm rooting for a Cubs .vs. Red Sox World Series. OK, I'm not sorry, I want to see the underdogs get their shot.

The movie Wrong Turn sucks! Don't buy it, don't rent it. It was; however, the appropriate ending for the evening giving it a slight uptick. feh!

To Mr. P: Just pay your fucking dues will you. I swear, one thing I can't stand is someone trying to bully their way out of an obligation. Convince me with facts or write the god damned check. And while I won't tell you since that takes the fun out of it for me -- no, I'm not beyond retribution and this is a case I'm more than capable of being patient.

Someone said to me today -- "You'd cut off your nose to spite your face". My response -- "mmmHmmmm". Yes folks, I can be extremely stubborn.

Just A Song

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time

Note to Self #1

Never ever suggest parfait to kids people who have seen the movie Shrek, else you undoubtedly will get to hear over and over and over....

You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"?

Typically it is said with a poor immitation of Eddie Murphy doing donkey's voice. It's cute the first time, but gets old quick. Now back to my treat.... "Parfait's gotta be the tastiest thing on the whole damn planet!". heh.

Meme Krazy

Alrighty then... I think I'm just going to have to take the whole day off, I can see already that I am just not going to be productive. Perhaps I'll run up to Blockbuster and grab Matrix Reloaded, it came out today. I have alot of "hockey stuff" I still need to take care of... maybe I'll do that instead. In the meme time (pun intended)...

Tuesday is Chooseday
Would you rather:

1. Be able to control your hair like tentacles OR be able to perfectly mimic any sound you hear?
   I don't think I could get into the medusa thing, so I'll go with mimicing sounds. Think of all the "cheap" groceries you can get. [snicker]
   
   
2. While driving, only be able to drive 35 mph, no faster, no slower OR only be able to turn left?
   Only left turns! I'd go nuts only being able to drive 35 here in California.
   
   
3. Punch an 80-year-old man in the face OR kick a 10-year-old kid in the shins?
   Do I look like Pedro Martinez to you? I think I'd kick the 10-year-old twirp in the shins.
   
   
4. Spray deer urine all over your body before a major event (wedding, birthday, anniversary, etc) and not bathe for a full day OR not bathe for a full week before the major event?
   Yikes! Assuming I could plan it in advance, I'd go for the full week keeping activity levels low and loading up on deoderant a couple times a day towards the end. No hockey that week for sure!

Two For Tuesday

1. If you were to host your own talk show, who would your first three interviewees be? Why?
   I honestly can't think of anyone I would want to interview, so I'm going to cop-out and list 3 people that I wouldn't mind sitting down with for a couple hours and talk with. It could, perhaps, be Barabara Walters style inteview I suppose...
   
   • Bill Gates: I would definitely want to find out the reasoning behind some of the decisions he made. Billy, you've got some spainin' to do!
     
     
   • Wayne Gretzky: Face it, hockey needs all the exposure it can get. Privately I would love to talk to Wayne about youth hockey here in the US and Canada and what we can do to bring the game back to it's roots.
     
     
   • Drew Pinsky: Yes, he is the infamous Dr. Drew from the show LoveLine. Aside from being an interesting fellow, I'd be counting on getting a little advice myself.
   
   
2. Of all the talk shows ever (and lord knows there has been plenty) which would you prefer to have been a guest on? (Whether it is currently on or has been cancelled)
   I would definitely go with So Graham Norton. I have enough Springer in my life right now, thankyouverymuch.
   

The Listening Post
If you had the ability to "leap" back into yourself at any point in time, when would you choose and what problem would you choose to fix? What do you think the consequences would be if the event was fixed?
Oy! The problem I see here is if I went back and time and changed some things, that would likely change where I am now. And while on the surface, I think that would be a good thing, there are some people that might not be in my life had things not gone as they have. So with that in mind, I'd go back to a recent large lottery and pick the winning numbers. Money won't buy happiness, but it sure can allow you to pursue it with more vigor.

Random Question of the Day
What is your worst fear?
That by the time I'm "ok", it simply won't matter anymore.

7th Heaven

1. Were you born the way you are or did you get this way because of your experiences and surroundings?
   i think my experiences and surroundings have certainly gotten me to where i am today.
   
2. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning?
   no.
   
3. Do you try to hide your faults from others, giving them the image of perfection? If yes, do you give them their image of what perfection is or your own?
   I try and hide many of them, but I also do not claim nor realistically strive for perfection. I'm a flawed person and that's ok.
   
4. What is your favorite accessory?
   wireless ethernet card. heh!
   
5. Is high school really made up of the best years of your life?
   i hope not.
   
6. What is your happiest memory?
   a particular sunrise currently tops the list.
   
7. Do you ever feel out of place in this world?
   Everyday!

   
   If you are ever looking for Meme's, check out the The Meme's List over at iamPariah.com.

   Posted by ac at 11:54 AM | Comment

phototime: color

I'm trying out a a new meme -- PhotoTime Tuesday.

Each Tuesday we will post a theme... You have a week to find your perfect photo... post it to your photo blog before the next Tuesday... Comment just below the currently posted theme. If possible, give the URL directly to your photo. You don't have a digital camera? Scan a photo! It's not a contest... it's just for fun.

Keep in mind I'm not photographer, just a geek that just had to get a digital camera at some point. It was taken with my Nikon Coolpix 990, scaled to 640x480 and saved "for web" with photoshop 5.5.

Three Faces of Eve AC

There are moments I truly wonder who I am and what the hell is going on with me. I can all but stand outside myself and watch with no ability to control my actions. There are times I'm a reasonably responsible adult getting work done at home and the office. Taking care of all the things that need to be done. Hell, with a little help from the alarm clock, I was up at 7am and got things going.

Then there is the 8 year old kid in me that has spent countless minutes/hours today staring at an orange dot wanting desperately to say something but having no clue on what to say. How to apologize further. Fearful of the reaction. More scared of what the purpose might be, where it would (or wouldn't) go. He'll bury his head in that pillow again tonight, probably shed a few more tears, and fade off to sleep kicking himself along the whole way.

And damn-it if I don't feel like such a girl sometimes. Tonight while shopping for dinner I had an overwhelming urge for chocolate. Extra dark chocolate. I craved it's comfort and gave in to it quickly. Now I just want to climb into bed, cuddle up and lay my head on the love of my life's chest and cry. To tell her how sorry I am for not being strong enough when I've needed to be. To apologize for allowing my selfishness to overrule my heart.

A rather wise woman recently reminded me that sometimes it is easier to ask for forgiveness that to have originally asked for permmission. OK, it doesn't quite apply, but the essence of the thought does... i think. Sadly, I owe a lot of apologies and frankly deserve little or no forgiveness.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-- Mark Twain

Note to Mark: You just want my ass out on the high seas so you can push me overboard because I haven't read your stinkin' books.

You Oughta Be In Pictures

A collection of more than 12 million historic photographs, capturing scenes from the Boer War to the D-Day landings, was published on the Internet Monday. The images, which date back to the turn of the 20th century, have been captured from the archives of the British Pathe newsreel, a cinema news service that pre-dated television.

Memorable images include John Lennon and Paul McCartney with their 1964 NME award as well as classic actresses Audrey Hepburn, Brigitte Bardot and Marilyn Monroe. Surrealist painter Salvador Dali was the highlight of Pathe's final newsreel in 1970, pulling a bizarre pose in Paris.

The collection can be accessed at www.britishpathe.com. More details can be found in the Yahoo! News article.

Another Pair Down

I had the pleasure this weekend of finishing off two more volumes of David Sedaris' work. Where he dreams up some of this stuff is beyond me. I'll admit that some of his stories have me roll my eyes and wonder why I bother, but before I can seriously entertain pushing it aside, another gem floats to the top making it all worth while.

Holidays On Ice
To date, this has included some of his best stories. His life as an elf in the Macys's shopping store in New York had me laughing out loud. SantaLand diaries covers everything from the preliminary group lectures ("You are not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf.") to the perils of inter-elf flirtation. Along the way, he paints a funny and sad portrait of the way the countless parents who pass through SantaLand are too busy creating an Experience to really pay attention to their children.

Naked
Naked reads like a jumbled life story, where years make little difference but the characters remain the same. Whether he's revealing his painful teen years or the hilarious summers hitchhiking to various parts of this country, every note rings true. Sure, Sedaris' style is still exaggerated and surreal, but that's how life feels a lot of the time, isn't it?

Evil is a Friend of Mine

The Gematriculator is a service that uses the infallible methods of Gematria developed by Mr. Ivan Panin to determine how good or evil a web site or a text passage is. The scores continue to change as content comes and goes, so i'll spare you my score as it will have changed with this post. Besides, we all know i'm swiftly approaching 100% evil anyway.

Word Association, Week 36

Free association is described as a "psychonanalytic procedure in which a person is encouraged to give free rein to his or her thoughts and feelings, verbalizing whatever comes into the mind without monitoring its content." Over time, this technique is supposed to help bring forth repressed thoughts and feelings that the person can then work through to gain a better sense of self. With no therapy scheduled for this week, it's time for some self-medication.

1. Timeshare:: condominium
2. Accounts:: payable
3. Temptation:: desire
4. Hack:: net
5. Shadow:: of the vampire
6. Infection:: virus
7. 800:: 1
8. Infidelity:: unfaithful
9. Springfield:: rick
10. Gardener:: martin

Forced Awake

the sun began to rise as i drove back across the bridge this morning. the cool air from the bay streaming in through the window as warm air poured from the vents, it was difficult not to fall into periodic dazes on the trek home. mini day-dreams, each feeling so real for a moment.

i could practically hear her voice as i sped down the highway. an arm reaching across and head being gently placed upon my shoulder. my heart raced. i drove faster. visions blurred like the passing road. after pulling up to the house, i looked to my right as if i expected to see someone sitting there.

hours from now i will again be awoken by an alarm clock. what visions await me in the morning?

Best Of Luck Al

I had to attend another wedding today... second one in a month. At least this time I knew the couple. I still wasn't terribly excited about going for a variety of reasons and went expecting the worst but ended up being pleasantly surprised by the simplicity and honesty of the event. They are two terrific kids and I truly wish them the best of luck.

The ceremony was non-denominational and the fellow conducting it seemed to be more of an inspirational coach than a man of the cloth. I stood at the back and actually listened to what he had to say about marriage and the path these two were about to take. His advice was sound and delivered with wit and charm. Yes, all those C's are very important -- Communication, Commitment, Celebration, Caring, ... he listed a few more each with a description and a story.

He had his little schtick with the vows and the ring. Funny part is, the best man forgot the ring. Left it in the car. So while he ran off to get it the stories continued. "Hmmmm", he said after about a minute, "I didn't know he left it at the jewlery store." The guests giggled and while I'm sure the guilty parties were a bit embarrassed, I personally thought it will make for a great story for these two. The pastor offered to allow them to use his ring if they'd like to continue, the bride quickly said "no, i'll wait" sending another round of giggles through the crowd. The ring finally made it's way to the gazebo and the deed was done. The couple walked back up the isle to complete the ceremony.

I nearly shed a tear as I was honored to give the groom his first hug as a married man. "Thanks so much for coming", he shared as we gave each other firm pats on the back with one hand shaking hands with the other. "Happy to be here Alan, happy to be here", I said in total honesty. Seeing the joy and hope on his face was worth the trip. May he capture this day and retain the love he has forever.

The reception was equally as quaint and the bride's mom, with limited resources, did a fantastic job. I had to chuckle (in a good way I assure you) when I sat at the table and saw that the reception was being catered by Armadillo Willys. Paper plates, plastic silverware, and clear plastic wine glasses. Thirsty? Hop on up and grab a beer or soda from the cooler. The smell of sterno filled the hall, but it really didn't matter. This wasn't a let's show off affair, it was an opportunity for friends and family to gather together and celebrate the first hours of this new marriage. A chance to share in their hopes, dreams, and raw optimism for the future.

Alan, remember this day ... you don't yet know just how lucky you are. I hope that your heart will continue to flutter at the sound of Lindsay's voice as it did this afternoon. May your love for her remain stronger than your convictions. To Life my friend, to life!

Friday Five: Sports

1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?
   yes. mainly hockey, but i've been known to watch a little football, baseball, soccer, ...
   
   
2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?
   teams... hockey: sharks, football: dolphins, baseball: reds
   
   
3. Are there any sports you hate?
   hate? no.
   
   
4. Have you ever been to a sports event?
   of course.
   
   
5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?
   yup. played all the sports at one point or another, but by middle school it was soccer and as an adult it is hockey.
   

yeah, i did another friday five...

No Heart

i had to journey to the office again today, a long trek that i generally don't look forward to. it gives me a lot of time to think, which is not always a good thing. rather than meaningless meetings and other time wasting activities, i've been asked to interview some candidates for an open engineering position.

i threw them my normal array of questions and watched as they floundered about trying to solve these seemingly little brain teasers all along wondering what the fuck was so difficult about grouping/sorting domain names. after all the interviews were complete, there was the following conversation while reviewing the applicants:

Man! You have no heart.
sure i do, i said reaching into my pocket. it's right here.
that's a rock.
actually, it's glass. a heart of glass.
[snicker] it's small and hard.
lets keep your dick out of this...
you sure that isn't a rock?

From All Directions

once you've heard it enough times, it start to become believable. how many times it takes i'm still not quite so sure. less than the number of licks it takes to get the the center of a tootsie pop i suspect. and does one's value decrease proportionally to the number of times you hear it or how much you think about it? when i know, i'll tell you.

it's thursday, so i get to hear it all again, but just as i began to focus on next week's silence, things zing in from other directions. a message called "Organazation Re-Alignment" (not my typo) containing plenty of shoosh hints in all caps. in the greater scheme of things it really doesn't matter, but it still pisses me the fuck off. time to re-evaluation yet another part of my life.

Wandering through the open path
believing in the dream that I see
For these long years I felt caged by their judgment
and harshness.

I broke free and fell into this fantasy dream.
Spider webs and butterflies
I prick my finger on the roses
But come to find
it was me who caused the pain.
-- H.E.S

Ever Sense You

with my eyes open i see the world, but with them closed i see far more. i see dreams cast brightly upon the walls of my heart. i see you.

i long to see again

awoken each morning by the sounds of life, disturbed not by what i hear, but the sound i don't. it is missed each day more than the last. silence.

i yearn for your voice

gentle caress. firm embrace. holding hands as we meander through the traffic of life's busy streets. cheeks rub, hands wander, breath skims across bare skin.

i ache for that kiss

inhale and take you in, savoring not only the moment but you. a complex wave of emotion hits immediately. certainly sweet, occassionally tart, glazed in an unforgetable zest.

hunger and thirst remain

They, I, You

they say the worst is when the pain exceeds your ability to cope. focus on today. give yourself today. they say. they say. they say. i'm just as guilty as they with so many words and so little action. it is far easier, i tell you, to say than to do. i know. i've tried. i'm trying. i'm failing.

while i am in fact focusing on today, it is next week which i wait for.

All Apologies

I'm sorry. I really am. I must leave tonight with the words of one of the few people I can identify with.

What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

I'll be thinking of you all...

Told In Silence

And how many loves have perished because, from pride, or spite, or diffidence, or that unmanly shame which withholds a man from daring to betray emotion, a lover, at the critical point of the relation, has but hung his head and held his tongue? And, again, a lie may be told by a truth, or a truth conveyed through a lie. Truth to facts is not always truth to sentiment; and part of the truth, as often happens in answer to a question, may be the foulest calumny. A fact may be an exception; but the feeling is the law, and it is that which you must neither garble nor belie. -- Robert Louis Stevenson

Breaking through the silence of the night her voice rang out, "You told her you loved her didn't you?!? You did. Didn't you!?!"

"I just knew it! I knew it!", quashing his words after the first syllable, "How could you? How could you do that to me? To the children?"

"Sixteen years!", she said with anger holding back tears and stomping her foot, "She got from you what I have wanted for sixteen years. It's just not fair."

Try Me

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

When you get bored with trying to keep that from happening, you can run off and play the RSVP Game. The authors of this nifty flash app. clearly don't go to my shrink, else those guests would know that I can't make them happy, only they can make themselves happy.

Friday Five: Vehicles

Time for another friday five.

1. What vehicle do you drive?
   A truck, yes 4WD
   
   
2. How long have you had it?
   Roughly 3 years.
   
   
3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?
   I don't think there is a "coolest" feature. I like that it has a 6-disk CD in-dash, and that it has "power outlets" in the front and rear. Its coolest feature used to be the color.
   
   
4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?
   The noise in the cabin is a bit louder that I'd prefer, but it is a truck afterall, not an E-class Mercedes, so I deal with it.
   
   
5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?
   Hmmm. I think I'd have to go with a customized Dodge Viper.
   
   

Will or Won't

Life has no meaning unless one lives it with a will, at least to the limit of one’s will.
-- Paul Gauguin

Corporate Lessons

Variations of these have made their way around the net for years. A friend sent me one today, which prompted me to dig up others I have gotten over the years and share them here. Enjoy!

LESSON #1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob, our next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story...
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

---

LESSON #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story...
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

---

LESSON #3
A sales representative, a secretary and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first ! Me first !" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof ! She's gone. "Me next ! Me next !" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me."

Poof ! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story...
Always let your boss have the first say.

---

LESSON #4
Usually the company's shop-floor staff plays football. The middle level managers are more interested in tennis. The top management usually has a preference for golf.

Finding...
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

---

LESSON #5
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, “Sure, why not”.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the Story...
It’s only at the top of the tree that you can sit and do nothing!

---

LESSON #6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing with joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Morals of the Story...

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

We're #2

Hitting the bay area papers today are articles reminding us all how much the commute around here sucks. The San Francisco-Oakland area ranked second to only Los Angeles as the most congested metropolis in the country according to a new study released Tuesday. California capture 5 of the top-20 slots with Northern California grabbing #2 (SF/Oak) and #7 (San Jose). Yes, we bay area residents can expect to spend between 60-68 extra hours behind the wheel of our cars.

One thing I found interesting was that New York wasn't in the top-20. I saw traffic there first hand this summer and it looked worse than what I'm used to seeing in San Jose. Go figure.

For those interested here is a link to the AP article which includes the top-20 listed below.

1. Los Angeles 90
2. San Francisco-Oakland 68
3. Denver 64
4. Miami 63
5. Chicago 61
6. Phoenix 61
7. San Jose, Calif. 60
8. Boston 58
9. Washington, D.C. 58
10. Portland, Ore. 58
11. Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood, Fla. 57
12. Seattle-Everett 56
13. Atlanta 55
14. San Bernardino-Riverside, Calif. 55
15. Houston 55
16. Detroit 54
17. Minneapolis/St.Paul 53
18. San Diego 51
19. Las Vegas 51
20. Dallas-Fort Worth 51

Partial Purge

I have a number of things I have been wanting to share, many of which either don't warrant a post on their own and others, frankly, I just haven't mustered up the time or energy to write much if anything about them. With that said, I'm just going to let them loose. Enjoy. Ignore. Whatever.

• MIT OpenCourseWare
  A free, open, publication of MIT Course Materials. Yet another example of MIT's leadership and innovation.
  
• The latest works
  This site includes some fabulous graphical illusions, particularly the one called rotating snakes, which has nothing to do with snakes, btw. Definitely worth the peek!
  
• Lego Treasure Hunt
  Quite the use of flash. I may have to go back and finish this game!!! Well done.
  
• Layout O'matic
  They have already been through the pain of making our layouts cross-browser compatible, so you don't have to!
  
• Kitty Porn
  Be careful where you click... make it sure it is the .ORG, otherwise, it isn't going to be "work-safe". Yeah, ok, the site and idea are silly...